


Spent Laughter

by Angelwire



Series: From Artifice [4]
Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Memories, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-11-02 16:47:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20796608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelwire/pseuds/Angelwire
Summary: Sometimes you can't help but remember things.





	Spent Laughter

_"You _can't_ be serious!"_

Julia's words graze aimlessly across your mind, a phantom presence triggered by the scene. You two had been here before. You had coffee here.

It's not a happy realization for you. There was a constant danger associated with returning to the locations you- no, _Serra_, the places _she'd_ been. You didn't want to be recognized by anyone potentially scoping out your- her former favorites. And you didn't want to acknowledge how much you miss her. Them. Their friendship, their...

_"It'd be so easy though. And look at her! She's obviously uncomfortable!"_

_"I don't care, Serra. We are_ not_ going to steal someone's dog!" Julia laughs, setting her drink down gingerly. You glance around._

_"Well don't say that so loud," you chastise her with the biggest grin on your face. Your palm decides of its own accord to press against Julia's shoulder, shoving her playfully, and your cheeks warm up again._

_What a peaceful day._

Yes, it was, wasn't it.

Your pace quickens, gaze averted once you realized you were staring at the outdoor table she'd picked for you. Each memory that comes back threatens to break the tenuous self-control you've built for yourself. You have to be someone else now, otherwise you'll be put in danger just like the first time. Or perhaps in ways much different than the first time, too; perhaps the danger of yearning for something you know you can't have. And there is so much you know you can never have. Will never earn or deserve. It's too painful, so even though part of you wishes to give up and accept that emotion you've refused to name 'til now, the rest suppresses it, keeps it buried scant inches below the surface. You know you can't keep this up for much longer, at this rate.

Good day today, at least. You'd already scammed enough out of people to pay for the laundromat, one of your primary concerns for today's List Of Things To Keep Myself Functional. You were also fairly hungry, and because that seemed like it couldn't wait, here you were. You were out of anything usable at the apartment, or at least anything usable that your stomach wouldn't arbitrarily refuse right now. Thankfully, you had enough cash on you to pick up lunch somewhere before your necessary laundromat visit.

The air conditioned interior of a fast food joint greets you as you enter. Its first impression struck you as sterile on an uncomfortable level, yet simultaneously a blatantly unclean mess on another. Wouldn't sleep on a floor like this, but the grime doesn't impart a soul, or something like that? A spike of brief, emotional agony pierces through your gut at the fleeting idea that you could be described the same way, so for your own functionality, you push the thought away. And no one here notices what sort of trash just had a moment of existential clarity. _Blessedly_.

Unlike earlier, the scenery, the smells and tastes, everything seems to ground you in this moment of disgusting nothingness. Just one more nobody chewing on some minimum wage-quality nuggets and presenting nothing of value. In a way, it makes you miss the moments where you can't help but be pulled back to better times. And that feeling only keeps growing as you finish your food, and as you stand, and as you head out the door silently, and as the unforgiving Los Diablos sun caresses your deeply tanned cheek.

'Maybe I can handle it,' you think. And you know you lie to yourself. You know what's going to come flooding back to you once you let it in. It's just that at this point, you're too scared to keep pushing the memories away. You're scared that the thoughts born from your self-loathing will become justified on every possible level. That you'll be truly nothing.

The coffee shop from earlier comes into your view after another fifteen minutes of walking. This time, rather than awkwardly staring at it from the sidewalk, you take a seat at the table you remember using with her. Yes, _you_. You have to acknowledge it now. If you're going to do this, then why bother mitigating it anymore? Why not embrace it? Either you'll finally stop feeling like a complete nonexistence, or you'll finally break down, give everything up, and kill yourself tonight.

Either one works for you right now.

Now, what was it you'd ordered back then? Just a plain mocha, right? That's the best guess your memory can provide for you, so you get up and order one before sitting back down again. The need for clean clothes simmers anxiously in the back of your mind as you count the seconds wasted here. You are _not_ planning to kickstart the pursuit of your new life in unwashed attire, that's for sure. Still, the moment seems too peaceful for anything to really bother you, a surprising realization.

_"Well don't say that so loud," you chastise her._ Right, you remember now. That cute little dog you jokingly said you wanted to 'rescue' from an obviously dispassionate owner. Julia's predictable response. And everything Julia made you feel after that.

_Ortega seems unbothered, still wearing that massive smirk, a smirk your physical contact only widened. Her own arm raises to push against your shoulder in turn, an even more gentle action than the one you just took. And her hand lingers. Rubbing. Soothing. The skin on your shoulder is electrified. Now your smile threatens to break into something more embarrassing, so to preempt that, you force out a chuckle._

_"Too bad we're the good guys. Imagine how much fun we coulda had if we went through with it," you tease._

_Julia's eyes roll. "Serra, please, I don't think stealing puppies is what we'd do. Even if we weren't upstanding citizens, which we_ are_, right?!"_

_Her sudden movement takes you by surprise. Before you know it, Julia's arm is wrapped around you, and the opposite hand is making short work of your neatly brushed hair. You giggle uncontrollably. It takes a few solid seconds for you to finally dislodge yourself from Ortega's iron grasp, even though part of you doesn't exactly want to. The sound you made probably attracted some looks. You just don't care. Not when compared to enjoying your time spent with her._

_"What are you, my bullying older sister?" you say, fingers combing through the ruins of your hairdo, hoping that Julia responds the way you want._

_She chuckles low, her gaze suddenly a lot more intense than before. "I somehow don't think we're anything like siblings, Serra_._ Last night-"_

_Gods, yes, last night. In her office, hoisted up onto the desk, lips meeting, hands roaming, and the noise you made-_

_"Nooo," you bury your face in your palms, "please don't tease me about that!"  
_

Reality snaps back into focus as the fake name you gave is called. Looks like your order is ready. The sudden clarity makes you realize how quickly your heart is beating, how flushed your cheeks feel, how close you are to crying. Surprisingly, you're able to stand and retrieve the beverage without collapsing into a sobbing puddle on the floor. And when you sit, it all rushes back to you again.

Serra Bui. Sidestep. You wanted her to be dead, you wanted to move forward with your revenge, you wanted to stop wishing for a life you can't have...

You just can't help it.

You decide to take your coffee to go. You have clothes to wash, and a hero to possess tomorrow. That, if nothing else, will cement your new position as Julia Ortega's enemy.

**Author's Note:**

> the first step to express my complete obsession with and love for Fallen Hero. no idea how many of these ill do, but hopefully i can start loosening up and really let myself just casually write for my own enjoyment more
> 
> and as usual i just enjoy the thought of other people getting a little happiness out of something that makes me happy to write
> 
> oh and props to amber for giving me the prompt that unexpectedly lead to this


End file.
